Good Times June 28, 2011

As a mother, there are days when everything just goes the way it should, and then there are days when that doesn’t happen. However, on the days it does occur, being a mother is like drinking a tall glass of cold water on a hot day. During these good days, The Tots poop at the right times, look super cute doing absolutely everything (including said poop, on second thought they always look cute, even on bad days), mommy gets the special cart at Target that seats two babies (and it’s not hot from sitting out in the parking lot) and everyone gets a nap.

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. The more I learn about motherhood, the more I realize that it’s the simple things in life — plus a few pairs of fabulous shoes.

We’re Back June 27, 2011

I have no idea if anyone still checks this blog, but that’s not why I started it. I started it to sort out all of the feelings I had about infertility then pregnancy then motherhood. Somehow I had more time to write when I was dealing with infertility and pregnancy. As a mother, time is a luxury and no offense, I’d rather be playing peek-a-boo with our precious Tots than writing about my feelings.

They’re almost 17 months old, and it seems like they learn something new every minute. It’s absolutely the best movie I’ve ever seen. Lucky for me I have a front-row seat. They’re both walking/running. They talk this crazy twin language that only they understand. However, I think Margot said “Go-Go Cars,” one of her favorite books. Both of them charm everyone that they meet, and they’ve completely stolen my heart.

The other night I was talking to someone about parenthood, and he asked me, “Did you realize how much having children would change your life?” At first I explained how I was ready for a change, how I was tired of everything being about me and how I wanted to focus on the next generation. Then I confessed, “No, I had no idea how much of a change children would bring.”

I don’t think anything about our life is the same, and I really don’t think that’s a bad thing. Of course, there are times when I’d love to go to movie on a moment’s notice. A romantic weekend at the beach would be great, but we’re just not in that stage of life right now. Ninety-nine percent of the changes are ones that are positive in ways I never imagined.

Yesterday, we took The Tots to The Tot Lot in Davidson. While there was a sandbox and plenty of toys to play with, The Tots chose to run in the grass, collect twigs and play with clover. While I was sitting there, I remembered how I loved making necklaces out of clover flowers when I was a little girl. Immediately, I began making one for my precious Margot. I made it a little short, so she ended up wearing it as a tiara. She looked so beautiful. Of course, Graydon wanted one, too, so back to work I went.

For the past thirty years, clover has been just that — clover. Something you walk on, something you try to rid your yard of. Now it’s something special again. I find that’s true with lots of thing these day. A gust of wind can be funny, sand is edible and splashing really should be an Olympic event. People talk about seeing the world through children’s eyes, but I don’t think anyone can explain how profound it is. It’s like getting a second chance on life when you didn’t know you needed one. Suddenly riding to the grocery store turns into a safari adventure, hearing the words “Mama” from a pint-size voice sounds better than any concert (even U2) and watching them learn new skills is better than any Broadway play could ever hope to be.

I’m back on the blog because I don’t want to forget these things. Eventually time will make The Tots older, and their wonder will fade just as everyone else’s does. Somehow I want it to live on in them …and in me. Maybe this blog can help with that.

Everyone goes through this April 7, 2011

When I was in school I dreaded the end of our Christmas and summer vacations. However, when I realized all of my friends were going through the same thing, I found comfort. Well now I’m a mother of two wonderful children, and my only complaint is that they’re growing up way too fast.

Margot started walking at 13 months. Graydon is almost walking. Margot wears the stethoscope from their doctor’s kit around her neck most of the day. Graydon plays the keyboard first thing in the morning, and if it’s turned off, he cries until I turn it on. Both babble endlessly through the day as they discover more of the world. And I just sit there in awe as I watch them.

Everyone told me raising children goes by quickly, but of course I didn’t believe them, but now I’m started to get it. Weeks keep going by faster, and The Tots seem to pick a new skill every day. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I want to devour every moment like a good pizza, but life sometimes gets in the way of that. There are deadlines, bills and responsibilities that sometimes take me away from my prime seat.

As I look around, I know my friends have gone through or are going through this. Children grow up. I did it, and The Tots will too. I just want to enjoy every single second of it because I feel so lucky to know these two wonderful people.

Everything old is new again February 21, 2011

The Tots are officially one, and I’m convinced they’re getting cuter every single day. We had a wonderful soiree in honor of their birthday. Our living room turned into party zone of one year olds. It was awesome. We had a groundhog cake, and The Tots got their first taste of sugar. Life her mother, Margot cried when we took the cake away.

They seem to be learning something new every minute. Margot can stand for 30 seconds by herself, and she practices constantly. Graydon cruises the living room furniture all day long. It’s just a matter of time before our little babies will be walking. While I’m so excited for them, it also breaks my heart. They’re just getting so big. Graydon is wearing a size 5 diaper for God’s sake.

As they grow, they become more and more fascinating to watch. Everything is new to them, so in a way everything is new to me again, which is refreshing in the sweetest of ways. When a car drives by, they both turn their heads. When a dog walks by, they devote their attention to it 100 percent. Even a leaf blower is fascinating to them. It’s just so wonderful to watch them discover the world. The best part is that they might discover something you missed or forgot. They’ll see something I’ve seen a million times, but when it I look at it through their eyes, it looks beautiful.

Needless to say, we’re having a great time, and I’m slowly but surely learning to live in the now. It’s hard for me, but I’m getting the hang of it. I just don’t want to miss any of this.

Here’s to the first year! February 3, 2011

Well, yesterday it happened. The Tots turned one. Regardless of what BabyCenter says, my babies are not toddlers yet. They are very much still my babies.

I can’t believe a year has gone by. So much has been packed into one little year. These days they’re holding sippy cups, feeding themselves Cheerios and making our TV speak Spanish when they get their hands on the remote. This time last year all they could do was be held. Everyone said time would go by quickly, but I had no idea.

The other night I went to a dinner honoring the lady who founded our infertility support group. We had a big table of women who fought infertility and won. Five of us had twins. I didn’t know a lot of these women because they were in the group before me, but that didn’t matter. We all have this bond of sisterhood that comes from battling infertility. We know all the terms. We know all the doctors and clinics, and more importantly, we know all the feelings. It was a wonderful evening because now we’re the fertility group. How perfect that this dinner was scheduled the week of The Tots’ first birthday.

When I think back over the last two years, much of it is a blur. Feelings that I used to feel so intensely are now buried under pictures of cute babies, sleep deprivation and laundry. I can’t believe how far we’ve come, and I occasionally find myself scared of how far we have to go – terrible twos, math homework, teenage years. But somehow I know everything is going to be okay. I mean, just look how far we’ve come.

Happy first birthday Tater Tots! Thanks for rocking our world in the best possible way.

Reasons to Celebrate January 31, 2011

We’ve started decorating the house for The Tots’ first birthday. This is more exciting than Christmas. They have no idea what’s going on, but they know something’s up. It’s just a wonderful time.

However, life isn’t wonderful for everyone right now. In the past week, I’ve heard of two women (my age) dying of cancer. One passed away Friday night, and the other is fighting Stage 4 breast cancer. Both have young children. I can’t imagine what these families are going through. I can’t imagine being faced with the reality that you’ll never see your children grow up, that you’ll never see what all they accomplish and what kind of people they turn out to be. I can’t imagine the pain of that.

So this week as I frantically search for a Groundhog birthday cake and make sure every detail is taken care of right down to the color of Margot’s hair bow, I refuse to become stressed out. I’m lucky that I can run these errands, and I’m even luckier that I have two healthy babies for which to run them.

Life is hard sometimes. Life is challenging sometimes, but the key word is life. We’re all so lucky to have life. The more we remember this, the better life is.

Happy Anniversary, Baby! January 20, 2011

A year and two days ago I created this blog. Back then, I was in such a different place. I was waking up at the crack of dawn to have blood drawn for treatments. I was getting shots left and right, and I was hoping that somehow we would be able to have a child.

Fast forward twenty-four months and two days later and look where I am. I spent the morning playing and holding two of the happiest and healthiest babies you’ve ever seen. I’m in the middle of planning their first birthday party, and I’m exhausted all the time, but that’s okay because it’s a good exhausted.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d have two babies as wonderful as Graydon and Margot. Don’t get me wrong, they have their bad days (and nights), but most of the time, they are simply wonderful. Sure, motherhood is hard, but it’s rewarding in the strangest ways. It brings such a sense of accomplishment. You realize that you can do things that you thought you could never do. That’s a good realization.

Although I’ve been a mom for almost a year, I haven’t forgotten what it was like to battle infertility, and I doubt I ever will. A part of me still gets a little angry when I hear that someone got pregnant the traditional way. I still don’t believe you can get pregnant having sex. I just can’t imagine that. I think about my friends who are still going to the doctor with the hopes of getting pregnant, and I pray that their dreams come true just as mine did.

Motherhood is not glamorous by any means, but it’s a path I’m glad I’m able to travel. Watching our two little babies change and learn is amazing. Wondering what they’ll be when they grow up is exciting. What a difference two years make.

Growing Pains January 18, 2011

The other day I bought The Tots some new shoes. They’re just like the fake Robeez they’re wearing now, but they’re a size bigger. They’re actually a little too big for their little feet. Anyway, I came home and saw that they had been taken out of the package. I panicked.

“There’s no way these shoes actually fit my babies right now,” I thought. John walked into the room to see what was the matter. “Did they wear these shoes?” I asked in an accusatory tone. “Yeah, we couldn’t get the others on,” he replied in that innocent tone of his that drives me crazy.

I quickly explained to him that the other shoes do indeed still fit and that there was no need, absolutely no need at all, to open these shoes yet. He looked at me like I was nuts, a look he uses way too often, and left the room.

The truth is my babies are growing too fast. Ever since August someone hit the fast forward button, and now they’re doing something new every day. They’re achieving milestone after milestone as they morph from being babies to (brace yourself) toddlers. Oh, I can’t even say it.

Of course, I want my children to develop and grow, but they’re so damn cute right now. I just want to hold them and squeeze them all the time. They’re holding their own bottles now. Pretty soon they’ll be pretending like they don’t have a mommy when I drop them off at the movies. I can’t even think about that.

The truth is that as we get closer and closer to their first birthday, the bittersweetness of the occasion is getting to John as well. I mentioned selling one of their gyms the other day, and he quietly said, “I’d like to keep something around from when they were little.”

I totally understand. When I dropped their swings off at the consignment store the other day, I almost started crying. I remember loading those swings into the truck when I was pregnant. Well, actually I watched John load the swings because I was pregnant. Ah, I remember those salad days of not having to do anything.

Anyway, The Tots are going to keep growing, so I’m just going to have to get used to it and treasure every moment as it comes, no matter how bittersweet it is.

In a New York Minute January 3, 2011

Last night we got a phone call at about 9:30. John’s cousin, Liz, who lives in New York City, delivered her baby girl. Hazel Ella was born exactly eleven months after The Tater Tots. And just like that, Margot passed on the title of being the littlest Tate. She’s excited about showing Hazel the ropes.

After we heard the wonderful news, I started thinking about what that first night as a mother was like. I remember sleeping so soundly (pharmaceuticals are fantastic) and being so excited for the morning so I could show off our beautiful babies. I know firsthand the challenges my cousin will have to face as a new mother, but I also know the tremendous joys that are ahead of her.

Fingers crossed that I don’t jinx anything, but I think we’re entering a sweet spot at our house. With parenthood I’ve learned that there are all sorts of emotions involved. The only constant is change, which means there will be good and bad times. After retraining the tots to sleep over the holidays (fingers crossed that it keeps working), things are looking up. It’s amazing how much better the world is when you have sleep. Suddenly everyone isn’t a jerk, and I actually can enjoy the wonderful things in my life without feeling like I have sand in my eyes.

Other than sleep deprivation, the only thing that really bothers me about being a parent is how fast time goes. For the first three months, I felt as if time stood still. I had no concept of what day it was, what time it was. I wore the same elastic waist skirt for days. It wasn’t pretty.

Somewhere around the beginning of fall, someone pushed the fast forward button. Suddenly, the tots were sitting up, and Margot was waving to everyone she saw. Then they started doing that adorable backward Army crawl. Then they actually started crawling, and Graydon started saying the words “tickle” and “good” like the Swedish chef from The Muppets. Now they’re both pulling up on things, and Margot has this adorable tripod-looking thing she does with her legs as she tries to (gasp) stand on her own.

Suddenly my little babies are turning into little people. While it’s an amazing thing to see, I’m finding it hard to keep up. How much longer will they instantly crawl to me as soon as I walk in the room? (I absolutely love that.) How much longer will Margot wave to me in the morning when I pick her up from her crib? How much longer will Graydon keep saying, “tickle, tickle, tickle?”

Sometimes I feel as if there’s a big clock ticking the seconds away in the background. Too bad there’s no Tivo for the parts of being a parent that you really like. The trick is to enjoy every second as it happens. It’s hard to do when you’re being pulled in a million different directions. I struggle with this every single day of my life. But when I manage to pull it off, life slows down a little bit. For a minute, I feel that I can stop time and just hold my sweet babies. Just for a minute.

Christmastime was here December 27, 2010

I’ve been meaning to write on my blog for quite some time, but free time is at a premium these days. Plus, I’ve been in a rather dark place, and sometimes I feel guilty about sharing those thoughts. I know how blessed and fortunate John and I are to have the tots, but the past month has been trying. Between colds, an ear infection, separation anxiety, teething and sleeping problems, it’s been utter chaos. Oh, and throw in the fact that it’s Christmastime, and you have a real mess.

My mommy friends keep telling me that there’s always something when it comes to parenting. I know that’s true because I’ve been on the other end of this. Growing up, it did seem that was always something to conquer or deal with (big and small). I just want to get ahead for one day.

Ever since the twins were born, I’ve felt like I’m being pulled underwater by a boat. You know what that’s like when you’re trying to learn how to  water ski, and you don’t know you’re supposed to let go of the rope if you don’t get up. Well, that’s me, every day. I love my children, and we have some wonderful times together, but finding a moment to just sit down is like looking for a pumpkin in May. I’m constantly exhausted, beyond exhausted. Everywhere I look there’s something to do or clean or fold.

I know all of this is normal. I really do know that. That’s why I’ve been so reluctant to write about this. But then I started thinking about why I started this blog. I created it as a place for folks (including me) to vent. With that in mind, I decided to write today.

We had a wonderful Christmas. It was great seeing the babies play with their new toys on Christmas morning even though they had no idea what was going on. It’s magical to watch them look at Christmas lights. When they went to see Santa, there wasn’t a tear or a scream, just smiles and curious looks. They are such wonderful babies. But with all of those wonderful moments comes the chaos in between — mailing 136 Christmas cards, making fudge for the neighbors, wrapping Christmas presents, trying my best to make sure the tots saw A Charlie Brown Christmas (I sort of succeeded), and the list goes on. All of this is normal, and I know it’s going to become more complicated as they grow.

I just need a few moments here and there to feel like I somewhat have things together. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel that way again. But if it’s not too late to ask for something for Christmas, that’s what I’d like to have.